Thanks for introducing yourself Liana!

Think about how you address (and therefore ‘construct’) the audience: “many of you” implies that you are addressing a crowd, which makes it less personal. Try to write as if you are communicating with one person.

Stay professional and take care over your writing: you use “i” a lot instead of “I” which is going to be frowned upon most employers.

There’s a strong sense of character in this introduction in the descriptions of your father. Think about how setting might play a similar role — there are a couple of places in this story but these could be used much more strongly to create a sense of movement.